Grant Henderson is an amazing diver.  So amazing that he is pretty much a lock to make the 2016 Olympic games in Rio De Janeiro.  There is just one small problem.  He can't swim.

“I just can’t seem to figure it out,” confessed a disconcerted Henderson. “Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to learn how to swim and to compete in the Olympics” After years of struggling and several scary moments when he was pulled from the pool and resuscitated on the spot, Henderson was ready to give up on his Olympic dreams. “I realized I never would be able to learn how to swim and told my Mom that I didn’t want to go back to the pool. She got really upset and yelled at me because she had already paid for year’s membership at the Y. She forced me to go back. I figured that if I tried diving, eventually I would learn how to swim. There was just no way I couldn’t, right? I was wrong.”

As Henderson continued to dive the lifeguards at the Y grew tired of rescuing him. “They kept threatening to let me drown if I didn’t stop diving” Henderson remembers. “Once I started competing I had to pay people to come and fish me out of the water.” Now he has a team of people dedicated to keeping him from drowning. Amongst them is his cousin Bert Henderson. “Both the Divers Association of America and the Olympic comity don’t allow anyone in the water before or during the dive so we have to wait until he hits the water and starts splashing around before we can jump in there and save him” says Bert. “It puts a lot of extra pressure on us.”

It appears that not being able to swim won’t have an impact on Henderson’s chances to make the Olympic team. “Technically being able to swim isn’t a requirement so he won’t lose any points, but it sure is embarrassing” says US Men’s diving coach Jim O'Brien. “You don’t get that good without years and years of practice. How the hell has he not learned how to swim during that time?” Other then the fact that he can not swim, “something a three year old can easily accomplish”, Obrien has been quite impressed with what he has seen so far and plans on bringing him to Rio. “ He’s better then Louganis. We can’t not take him. I just hope he doesn’t drown between now and then. “

Henderson’s inability to swim has become quite the distraction to the team and they feel like they are wasting valuable time and resources to help him learn. It’s gotten so bad that the Olympic committee has reached out to Michael Phelps to train him but even he is struggling to make a breakthrough. “This guys bones are either made of Adamantium or he’s the dumbest fucking human being on the planet” snapped a visibly frustrated Phelps. “If I can’t help him then no one can. Get this asshole some floaties or something. I’m done with him.”

There is a silver lining to this situation. The Walt Disney Corporation has pledged unlimited funding in the areas of technology and science to make sure Henderson once and for all learns how to swim. In exchange they will receive the book and movie rights to Henderson’s life struggle. “Hell even if he can just learn how to tread water it would be huge for us quipped “ Head of Development at Disney and the mastermind behind “John Carter”, Rich Ross. 

At press time Henderson had yet to figure out the basic function of swimming.