March 4th, 2015
UC Irvine student officials who elected to have the American Flag from their schools common area removed have now turned their attention to a much larger and more asinine target. Removing the American flag from the moon.
“The moon is a common area too. Not just for the United States or the Earth but for all the other planets in our galaxy that might want to use It and can’t because Americas stupid flag is there making everyone feel all uncomfortable with its striking white stars and majestic blue and red stripes.” states David Guevara who spearheaded the vote to remove the flag from his schools common area. “Its disrespectful to the entire universe to leave it up there mocking all the other planets for their lack of life forms”
Guevara, who showed up to this interview wearing a “Fuck Betsy Ross T shirt”, explained, “ Its like no one can go up there and enjoy all the moon has to offer because there is this giant flag flapping around stealing everyone’s constitutional rights”.
Guevara, along with the five students who voted to have the flag removed, are planning a trip to DC to speak with a government representative during the schools upcoming spring break. However there might already be some controversy involving the trip. One student in the group spoke to me under condition of anonymity because he was “super drunk and probably shouldn’t be saying this” said “ Fuck that. I’m not going to DC for spring break. It’s freezing there. Ill be in Cabo getting shit housed trying to tap some real Mexican ass. Not that beat shit we have here in Irvine.” Looks like Guevara better get to work on the two students who abstained from voting. Although it would be unlikely for them to contribute one way or another as both seem to have an interest in a career in politics and wouldn’t want to tarnish their reputations as people who make decisions.
This flag debacle is not going over too well with the rest of the student body. In fact every student we interviewed is against it.
“Now I am afraid to go into the common area,” says sophomore student Ikioi Takashi of Tokyo, Japan. “Every T shirt I own says I (American flag shaped heart) NY on it”.
Senior Trisha McFadden, one of the students who voted to keep the flag in the common area, thinks her classmates have become a bit too cocky since winning the vote. “The power has clearly gone to their heads,” says McFadden. Having the American flag removed from the moon is just ridiculous. We own that shit and the rest of the galaxy best recognize! I hope Neil Armstrong hears about this and punches David right in the dick”.
At press time congress has turned their attention to “Un-occupy The Moon” so they can put off fixing other issues with real importance.